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So, the dubbing is a little iffy but it gets the point across. Recently I entered into an agreement with a friend of mine, where we would play 10 games of Go each week until the big Go tournament back home in the U.S. which is at the end of summer. Should one of us not manage to do this we will have to pay $50 for each infringement. And by pay, I mean our conversation when I get back home will begin with:
(Jon gives Eric $50)
Hi Eric!
Hi Jon!
So I started playing on Tygem, the Pan-Asian Go server. Now remember, I hate losing. It really irks me when I am defeated because it makes me feel like I'm getting no where. Yes I've heard all of the adages about winning and losing. It's all apart of life and you learn from your mistakes. I know how many times Michael Jordan failed to make a basket and every other inspirational tale, but for some reason my emotions do not agree, which means deep down I don't agree. I like to think I'm moving forward, that my intense training is paying off, instead of hoping that it will pay off at some unspecified point in the future. My fear is that after a year here, and all the effort I am putting in, that I will not reach my goal and it would have all been a waste.
After typing that I see how absolutely ridiculous that sentiment is.
Losing doesn't mean that my training has failed and that I'm a failure, all it means is at that instant my weaknesses and strengths were positioned in such a way that when matched with my opponent they came out. As in the video, tea doesn't judge itself and it occurs naturally, so why grade it? Grading is something artificial. I have to remember I'm a natural part of this reality and the environment I am in, so like the tea, I am just one of the many varieties of people out there, so why should I judge myself, and so harshly? As a practitioner of my own style of Go, my only real concern then is to address my weaknesses and further my strengths for my own benefit. Tea is tea, if you drink it in a good mood you will enjoy it.
Some people who know me better know that I have a big negative streak in my personality. I don't mean for there to be but there is and it has to go. I have to start thinking about success rather than worrying about shadows. I have to stop ignoring the things that are working for my benefit and forget about failure. When I come back home I want to be 6d and be one of the top players in the U.S. I want to write more books on Go and make it more popular in the U.S. so other people can have fun with it, whether they play once a year or 10 times a day. If that is truly my goal then no negative thought or dark cloud needs to hover over me. That is officially over with.
